“Every time I try to talk to my spouse about a problem it ends in a fight”

I have heard this statement countless times from both men and women. In love relationships one of the greatest challenges is to learn how to talk through problems. A mixture of hurt feelings, past lies, and anger makes talking seem impossible. Couples often find that the statement “we need to talk” turns into a yelling match with each person trying to prove their point. In the end, words are said that cannot be taken back, and you feel worse than before you started the conversation. Developing healthy communication takes effort and time. Your communication skills are muscles, in order to strengthen the muscle you have to exercise it.

Below are some tips to start exercising your communication muscle.

Begin with the End in Mind
Focus on what you want to accomplish by having “the talk”. In most cases you want to be heard and understood. Try to avoid comments that will put your partner on the defensive. Ask yourself if the comments that you are about to make will get you closer to your end result. Comments that blame and shame your partner need to be left out. Time and place are also very important to keep in mind. Try to find a time with limited distractions and when emotions are not high. Do not try to have “the talk” when you are arguing, upset or angry.

Focus on “I”
The fastest way to get a fight started is by coming at your partner with YOU statements. Statement like “Our problems are all YOUR fault” are sure to lead to a fight. These statements put your partner on the defensive. As soon as your partner hears YOU they tune out and think of how to lash back. Focus the conversation on how you feel. Use “I” statements instead of “YOU” statements. For example, “I am concerned about our problems”.

Give Your Partner Time to Think
A great idea is to start the conversation by letting your partner know they do not have to respond to your comments immediately. This will give your partner time to think about what you have said and not respond emotionally.

Check back for more tips on couples issues, child behavior and grief/loss.

Additional Resources

American Self-Help Group Clearinghouse
Self-Help Group Sourcebook Online
http://mentalhelp.net/self help/
(tons of links to a large variety of support resources)

National Alliance For The Mentally Ill
http://www.nami.org/
(national organization for the mentally ill, their families, and friends)